Two Peas In a Pod

they "heart" Chaim Witz

2009-06-01T08:25:00.001-07:00

BabyF and BabyB were seated in front of the television Saturday afternoon after their midday feeding. I was about to put on one of their Baby Einstein dvd's (yes, I allow my babies to watch television) when I noticed that Gene Simmons (the infamous KISS rocker with the insanely long tongue) was being interviewed on some show. I watched for a moment, with tv remote still in my hand and pointed at the tv. I noticed that the girls were paying very close attention and were strangely calm. So I let them watch. They watched the entire interview and only started to complain as soon as the interview was over.

My daughters love Gene Simmons. I think I'm in for a world of trouble when they get older.

Anna - ology

2009-05-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

(stolen from Miranda)

FOODOLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Balsamic

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Casa Tapas

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Tapas

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Vegetarian + Anchovies

What do you like to put on your toast? I no longer eat toast

TECHNOLOGY

How many televisions are in your house? Three, but if it were up to me we would only have one.

What color cell phone do you have? White and silver with some orange accents

Do you have an Ipod? No, but I have an MP3 player

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Two babies, a fetus (I hate calling it that), two cysts, four wisdom teeth

What is the last heavy item you lifted? My babies

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, I don't think so.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Maybe - depends on my state of mind at the time.

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Just one pair.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Just under a year ago. I was pulled over for wearing my seatbelt incorrectly (tucked beneath my arm because it was bothering me - I was VERY pregnant at the time)

Last person you talked to? BabyF, but she's only seven months old so it was a one-way conversation.

Last person you hugged? BabyF.

FAVORITOLOGY

Season? Fall

Holiday? Christmas, but I wish I could get away from the commercialism of it.

Day of the week? Hmmm, while on maternity leave every day seems the same. When I was working my favourite day was Thursday.

Month? December

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone? Oh god, yes! Like you wouldn't believe!

Mood? Worried

What are you listening to? The tv in the other room serving as background noise to keep BabyB asleep.

Watching? The computer screen

Worrying about? Chris, Jim, making the right choices at the right times

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning? I haven't left the house. I went to the bathroom first.

What's the last movie you saw? I re-watched The Secretary two days ago

Do you smile often? Yes, most of the time

Sleeping Alone Tonight? No

OTHER-OLOGY

Do you always answer your phone? If I'm not busy or if it's someone I feel like speaking with at that moment.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? It had better be a wrong number or an emergency. Otherwise it's Joe (an ex-boyfriend) and he's drunk and missing me.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Any colour works for me.

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Don't have a Sonic here.

Do you own a digital camera? Yes

Have you ever had a pet fish? No

Favorite Christmas song(s) - Too many to list. I like most Christmas songs.

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A really intense scene involving delicious pain, lots of torturous orgasm denial, and some worship (me doing the worshipping)

Can you do push ups? Yes, but very few

Can you do a chin up? I doubt it

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Both!

Do you have any saved texts? Yes, a few

Ever been in a car wreck? No, just some minor accidents

Do you have an accent? I don't think so, but some say I do

What is the last song to make you cry? I don't remember

Plans tonight? No plans

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Once.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Baby formula, groceries, and a Ritter Sport chocolate bar

Have you ever been given roses? Yes

Current worry? Didn't we already cover this? Chris, Jim, and making the right choices at the right times.

Current hate right now? No hate at the moment

Met someone who changed your life? Yes

How will you bring in the New Year? I don't know yet

What song represents you? U2's Stuck In A Moment comes to mind right now

Name three people who might complete this? Can't think of one

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? No... well, maybe.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Yes

Do you have any tattoos/piercings? Single hole in each earlobe

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? I think so

Does anyone love you? I think so

Would you be a pirate? No, but I might be a wench

What songs do you sing in the shower? It varies from day to day

Ever had someone sing to you? Yes

When did you last cry? Yesterday

Do you like to cuddle? Yes

Have you held hands with anyone today? No

Who was the last person you took a picture of? BabyF and BabyB

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Some Disco and whatever my older brothers were listening to at the time

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects? Yes. So much so that a friend once told me, "you have too much cock around you".

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? A balanced mix of both

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Yes

What is something your friends make fun of you for? My clumsiness and my over-friendliness with strangers.

Month Seven - May 21, 2009

2009-05-22T04:58:00.000-07:00

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

You turned seven months today. Having passed the six-month mark makes me so much more aware of how close you are to being a year old already. I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again... time is passing by so very quickly. I often don't realize it on a day-to-day basis, but it really hits me when some strangers asks me your age and I reply "seven months".

There was no letter written at six months and I apologize for that. Six months seems to be such a milestone and I feel horribly for skipping that month because I was drowning in my own struggles. I'll try to do a brief recap here and I hope you'll forgive me for not providing more details.

Month six included your first fever/cold. You both got sick at the same time, thanks to your father bringing home some horrible cold/flu from work. The entire world had been talking about the swine flu (which claimed lives), but, thankfully, that isn't what you had. You both had fever, a cough, and were vomiting for about a day and a half. You had also started teething at this time and the combination of teething and fever gave you both the worst diaper rash to date. Corn starch is our friend. Temperament-wise, BabyB was especially clingy through all this, but you both maintained your good humour and smiled and played whenever anyone attempted to entertain you. So, thanks to your good-natured ways, we managed to get through your first cold/flu together.

Also in month six, you both started eating "solids". Quite honestly there's nothing solid about mush, but everyone seems to call it "solids" so we'll stick with that label. BabyF started three weeks earlier than BabyB because we're extra cautious with BabyB's kidney condition and we didn't want to overload it with minerals it may not be able to handle. BabyF was a pro at gobbling up cereal mush almost from the very get-go. BabyB took a little longer to figure things out, but once that happened BabyB mastered it.

At your six-month check-up, your pediatrician told us you were both the size of a nine-month old baby. So you're both growing very well and developing nicely. You both learned how to roll from your back onto your sides and you both do very well during tummy-time. The giggles have come out more often too and there are always smiles to be seen. You also seem to enjoy going out for long walks in your stroller (which we do every day that isn't too cold or windy or raining) and you both end up taking a nap while mommy gets some exercise... a win-win situation!

Now onto month seven!

This past month has been filled with so many joys and so many challenges. Let's see if I can do this in point form before one of you wails for my attention.

- you've had lots of different mush food: rice cereal, barley cereal, oatmeal cereal, butternut squash, carrot, zucchini, sweet potato, green beans (BabyB isn't too fond of this so I often mix it with the sweet potato), peas, apple, and pear. The next month will include meat and legumes. I've been making the fruits and vegetables myself and it's a lengthy process - wash, peel, steam/boil/bake, let cool, and mush (sometimes blender first and then food mill... other times just food mill).

- BabyB, you've learned to roll from your back to your front. BabyF, you still only make it onto your side
- BabyB, you've very recently taken to sleeping on your side some nights
- you both have started to sit up and can manage to stay upright unassisted for a few seconds at a time
- you both enjoy watching your Baby Einstein dvd's
- BabyB, you absolutely LOVE watching Sid the Science Kid on PBS
- BabyB, you love being tossed around and being very physical. BabyF, you prefer much less physical play
- BabyB, you like to be SuperGirl when I hold you up in the air with your body horizontal. You always put your arms straight out by your sides and behind you like you're ready to take off. This is what earned you the name SuperGirl
- BabyF, you love to have your belly and thighs tickled and you giggle almost uncontrollably
- you both look at each other and laugh sometimes - it's the most adorable thing in the world and melts my heart every time.
- BabyF, you have a habit of farting whenever you cough or sneeze. It's cute and quite funny for now, but I hope that goes away by the time you're a teenager... for your sake.
- BabyB, sometimes when people talk to you, you smile and tuck in your chin and turn away from them like you're shy
BabyF, if I allowed it you would spend hours just staring at your fingers and "counting".

There's so much going on and I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. It's just such a joy to see more and more of your personalities shining through. And we have so much fun playing together. I just wish there were more hours in the day so that I could spend more time with you... and so I can get more sleep to restore some energy to spend more time playing with you.

All my love,
Mamma
xoxoxoxo

I suck at this

2009-05-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not supposed to think this stuff and I'm certainly not supposed to admit to it, but it's the truth. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm in over my head. There have been days when I've thought (and even said aloud), "what was I thinking?" or "I can't do this" or "I want to run away from home".

I love my daughters more than I love anyone or anything else. I absolutely adore them. I'm grateful to have these precious children and I'm grateful that I've been granted my lifelong wish of becoming a mother. I wouldn't trade these babies for the world and cannot imagine my life without them.

Sometimes, though, that love doesn't seem like it's going to be enough to give me the strength or patience or energy I need to get through the day. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "I give up!" Sometimes I feel like I'm not nearly up to par when it comes to parenting twin babies.

I've been especially struggling with BabyB lately. She doesn't like to sleep. She rarely naps during the day. When she does nap, she has tiny snoozes that last about 15 minutes. She USED TO sleep through the night, but bedtime has been a huge struggle for quite some time and she's been waking at about 1:30am the past few nights. She fights off going to sleep. She is clearly tired, but she cries and gets upset when I try to put her to bed. I've tried different techniques and none have worked. I used to be able to put her to bed while still awake shortly after her last feeding and she would drift off to sleep peacefully. In the last month or so, that hasn't been possible. Her bedtime routine used to take about 30 minutes; now it takes well over an hour (sometimes closer to two). And when she wakes in the middle of the night, I have a difficult time getting her back to sleep. She falls asleep quite easily in my arms and will stay asleep while I hold her, but wakes up and cries when I put her down.

I cannot keep her in my arms all night - although I have considered it. I need sleep too. And I need to take care of her sister as well. Giving BabyB so much of my attention makes me feel like I'm being a bad mother to BabyF. I should be giving her my attention too - even if she isn't asking for it. I should be spending more time with her; playing with her and stimulating her development. BabyB's demands for attention make that impossible. So I feel like a horrible mother. I've even said aloud, "I could have ten babies if they were all like BabyF". Isn't that horrible?! I don't favour one baby over the other, but it sounds like I do.

I'm just drained - physically and emotionally. And this teething phase is making things more difficult than I imagined.

she's gone

2009-04-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

Taly, our golden retriever, had to be put down yesterday.

She was four months shy of 13 years old. Things have been going downhill for her for the last eight months or so, but had gotten especially bad in the last two months.

She was a very affectionate dog. She loved people so much more than she loved fellow dogs. When we walked her and encountered other dogs being walked, the other dog would always come to her but she would always go to that dog's owner instead. And when we would pet the other dog, she would quickly come to us and nudge us with her snout to try to get between us and the other dog... and would make a strange sound like she was talking - it wasn't a bark nor a growl and I have no idea how to describe it, but she was talking. She made that same "talking" sound when her favourite people came over for a visit... and she had a LOT of favourite people.

Really, she was a very special dog... and also one of the stinkiest dogs I've ever known.

We will miss her and always remember her... and her absence from our lives will be felt for a long time to come.

Christ's ears

2009-03-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

No, really... that's what they're called. Les oreilles de crisse. Pork rind, salt, and monosodium glutamate (if you buy it packaged)... which is exactly what J brought back with him after his short trip to the grocery store the other day.

Quite honestly I've never tried them. Pork rind doesn't sound especially appetizing to me. He, on the other hand, thinks they are a delicious, salty, crispy treat. Umm, no thanks - I'll pass.

However, I have found my newest little food addiction of the week (maybe of the month). Whole grain snacking goodness. He can have his Christ's ears. I'll stick with my crackers.

Month Five - March 21, 2009

2009-03-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

This past month has been so much fun. We're all really getting the hang of being alone together throughout the days and you've both been so cooperative. You both eat really well and sleep well too. Actually, BabyF sleeps very well through the days with long naps and BabyB likes to stay awake and hang out with mommy all day. You both USUALLY sleep through the nights (often lasting 12 hours!). I am a very very lucky mommy!

BabyF, you've been sucking on your hands more and more and I don't know if it's because I'm not feeding you enough or if it's because you just like sucking on your chubby little fingers. You're growing very well, so I'm guessing you aren't undernourished. You're also beginning to show a more independent side. You don't seem to want to be held all that often. You're perfectly content playing on your little gym, doing tummy time with your sister on my bed, or even just watching your Baby Einstein dvd. Sometimes I wish you were more clingy and affectionate (doesn't really make much of a difference because I hug and kiss you a thousand times a day anyway), but I think I'll be grateful for your independence when you're a little older.

BabyB, you have become much more clingy. Whenever I pick you up, you mold your body to mine and this makes me want to hold you all the time. I love your love-doveyness because I'm a big mush ball of affection just like you. Sometimes you take it a little too far, though... like the time we left you with your Nonna for a few hours and you fussed almost the entire time until your momma came back and held you - then you were suddenly happy as can be. I'm wondering if I should leave you with Nonna more often so you can get used to being in the care of others. I'm only considering this because I suspect I'll have to go back to work soon and then you'll HAVE to be in the care of another and my guilt would be a hundred times worse if I knew you were unhappy.

You both now babble a lot and even giggle from time to time. I haven't quite figured out a sure-fire way of making you giggle. It's been hit and miss so far, but I'm working on it. And when I do finally figure it out, well then that's all we're going to do... because, truly, your giggles are the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard.

Now that the warm-ish weather is upon us, we've been spending more time outdoors. I have finally gained the confidence I need to pack you both up by myself and take you out - whether it be to drive you to Nonna's or to take you for a walk in your enormous double stroller. Things will only get better as the weather gets nicer. I can hardly wait for the weather to be mild and clear enough for us to take walks together every single day. Soon you'll be hanging out with your friend Annalisa - my dear friend M (and his wife N)'s daughter, who was born about six weeks before you were. Oh what fun we'll have going to the park together and shopping and just enjoying our days. It'll be just the girls - all five of us - and I'm confident that we'll all have a wonderful time together.

For now, we continue to take things one step at a time and I will continue to cherish every moment we all have together.

With all the love in the world,
Mamma

I'm a what??

2009-03-12T16:26:00.001-07:00

I hadn't seen my friend since before I became pregnant with the twins. Our conversation went something like this...

male friend: You look different.

me: Yeah, it's called sleep deprivation.

male friend: No, silly. You look different.

me: Different how?

male friend: I don't know. I can't put my finger on it.

me: Try.

male friend: You look like a mother.

me: (burst out in laughter) Is is the saggy boobs? The tired eyes? The ever-increasing grey in my hair?

male friend: Oh shut up! You look like a woman now.

me: Honey, I've always been a woman. What on earth are you talking about?

male friend: You look like a woman... not a girl anymore.

me: (look at him like he's on some cheap recreational drug)

male friend: You're a MILF, ok! It's a compliment - trust me on this.

Month Four – February, 21, 2009

2009-02-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

* edited to add pictures *

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

Today marks your fourth month. I keep thinking that in less than eight months I’ll be returning to work. I can’t imagine leaving you both for 8+ hours per day. Every day that I’m with you is a new day of discovery and I don’t want to miss a single moment.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not giving either one of you enough attention because the other needs me and also because I need time to myself to recharge my batteries from time to time. I feel like I’m forced to neglect you because there are two of you. Yet I wouldn’t trade either one of you for the world. And I’m hoping you’ll eventually get to the stage where you enjoy each other’s company and entertain one another while I’m busy doing other things.

I’ve started placing you facing each other in your little bouncy seats. Or sometimes I’ll have one of you sitting in a booster seat while I feed the other. You seem to enjoy staring at each other, but you both still seem to prefer watching me. Maybe that’s because I perform for you – sing little songs, babble away about nonsense, read books to you, encourage you to play with your toys, smother you with kisses, etc, etc. The songs I seem to sing most to you these days are “Amazing Grace” when I want you to calm down and go to sleep and “Do-Re-Mi” (from The Sound of Music).

You’ve both started sucking on your hands like they’re some sort of tasty treat. Even after you’ve had a full bottle of milk, you both still like to suck on your chubby little fists. It’s quite adorable, but also messy because you’re also both drooling all the time. It makes me wonder if this is the start of the dreaded teething phase.

A couple of major events have happened during this month. First of all, your father went back to work on February 2. That means the three of us were left alone. I won’t lie, it’s been challenging handling the two of you on my own. I continue to do my best, but there have been a couple of moments when the three of us were crying together. Somehow, though, we’ve always managed to figure things out and restore peace and tranquility.

The other major event involves only BabyB. Just a few days ago we met with the nephrologist to review all results of the various tests done in the last four months. BabyB, you only have one functional kidney. Now I know that may sound alarming, but the truth is that many people function perfectly fine with just one kidney for their entire lives… some go through life not even realizing they were missing a kidney. Your left kidney has multiple cysts in it and is not functioning at all. The good news is that your right kidney is in perfect shape and functioning well enough to compensate for the non-functional one. We were given more detail, but that sums it up pretty well. We just have to monitor the kidneys regularly. So, you see, there’s really nothing to worry about.

I’m looking forward to your first winter being left behind you. You both HATE being bundled up in your winter gear and you both scream and cry every single time we have to take you out. The warmer weather will require less layers and less complications and will allow us to spend more time outdoors – which will be better for you and for me. So let’s just hang in there for a little while longer and we’ll be having so much more fun once the mild weather hits.

Love,
Mamma

maybe tomorrow

2009-02-10T04:57:00.000-08:00

Just about every day, for the past week, I have gotten up in the morning and said "I'm going to try to take them out for a walk in their stroller today."

Yesterday would have been an exceptionally good day for that - weatherwise. The sun was shining and it was relatively mild out. But their schedules were off. While BabyB was awake and cranky or feeding, BabyF was sleeping. While BabyF was awake and feeding, BabyB was cranky and needing comfort (sensing a trend with BabyB yet?). So it never seemed to be a good time and it never happened.

I opened the door a short while ago to let the dog out and felt the bitter cold in the outdoor air. I decided its much too cold to take them out today. The sky is grey and the air is heavy - we're supposed to have some freezing rain. That would make for some far from ideal conditions to be taking my little babies out. So it looks like we'll be staying in yet again.

I know I feel intimidated by the whole ordeal of getting them ready to get them out. In my mind it seems so complicated, but maybe I'm just making it more complicated than it really is.

I need to exit the house from the garage door through the basement. This is because exiting through the main entrance would involve going down a flight of stairs - not possible with a huge double-stroller and two little babies. I mean, how would I safely get the stroller down by myself with the girls in it? If I bring the stroller down empty (still very heavy and possibly impossible to do by myself), then how do I get the girls in there safely? I can't put one in, leave her out by herself while I get the other one. And I certainly can't carry them both safely down the steps at the same time.

So I absolutely MUST exit with them through the garage in the basement. This means I have to go through the following steps:

1. Make sure the girls are somewhere safe upstairs (preferably cribs or bassinette)

2. Bring their winter gear (and mine), their blankets, and their diaper bag with all necessities (depending on how far we'll go) downstairs.

3. Get the stroller ready for the girls.

4. Bring one child downstairs, place her somewhere secure.

5. Bring the other child down.

6. Dress both girls quickly. (Quickly because they HATE being dressed in their winter clothes and always end up screaming and crying.)

7. Secure both girls in the stroller quickly. (Quickly for the same reason as above.)

8. Cover them up, get myself dressed, grab everything I need (keys, garage opener, pacifiers, diaper bag with potential necessities) and EXIT!

Of course all this needs to be done after they've both been fed and changed and aren't feeling too cranky. Ha! Like that ever happens!

I'm going to keep this list handy so that just maybe it won't seem like such a daunting task the next time (hopefully soon) I decide I should try taking them out by myself. I can do this... really, I can. No, really!

swinging

2009-02-09T04:16:00.000-08:00

No, no... not THAT kind of swinging.

Whenever I've mentioned BabyB's mid-day fussy period every parent has asked me if I put her in a swing. They are shocked when I inform them I don't have a swing for them. They have all sworn that it is a MUST. When J went back to work, I quickly became exhausted and frustrated with only being able to hold one baby at a time. So on J's first day off, we headed out to do some shopping.

We discovered that swings don't come cheap. The ones we saw (at four different stores) ranged from $99 to $179. That's a little steep for something that will only hold them for a few more short months. So my next step was checking out craigslist. And I SCORED! I found one in perfectly good condition listed at $25 and I managed to get it for $20. Who knew I could negotiate!?

The best part is not the price, the best part is that it DOES calm BabyB (most of the time). She absolutely LOVES that thing and that means I love it too! At this point anything that helps is a God-send!

So if you're a new mommy, get yourself a swing - STAT!

just the three of us

2009-02-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

Today is J's first day back at work. I'm alone with the babies. They've both already gone through two feedings and BabyB has already had one poop explosion.

It's mild out - right around freezing - and I'm actually considering taking them out for a walk in their stroller. I've never taken them out by myself. I wonder if I'll chicken out.

Wish me luck!

Month Three – January 21, 2009

2009-01-21T16:30:00.000-08:00

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

Time is certainly flying by. You’re now three months old and growing so quickly. BabyF, you’ve already more than doubled your birth weight and BabyB, you’re pretty close to doubling it.

You both had your first vaccines this month and handled it surprisingly well. Thankfully neither of you cried all that much and neither of you had any nasty side effects after the shots. I just hope all of your future vaccines go as smoothly.

You’re both doing a better job at holding up your bobbly heads and are getting stronger and stronger every day. You even smile more and make more of those cooing sounds. Even when you wake grumpy, your moods quickly change when you see me suddenly appear before you. I am always greeted with bright smiles from both of you and your smiles never cease to warm my heart. You are both my greatest source of joy.

BabyF, you’ve recently discovered your chubby little hand and seem to enjoy chewing and sucking on it almost all the time. You’re often drooling and this means your little hand is also covered with drool. BabyB, you don’t do this quite as often. Perhaps you don’t think your hand is as tasty as BabyF seems to think hers is.

BabyF, you sometimes have sudden fits of very loud screaming. I sometimes ask you who pinched your bottom when this happens because it really sounds like someone or something suddenly caused you harm. Luckily, we’re still able to calm you relatively quickly when this happens. BabyB, on the other hand, still winds up to her crying very slowly.

I love both of your names - after all, I chose them. However, over the past three brief months I’ve come to call you all sorts of affectionate names. Some are cute and some you may think not so cute. Here are a few:

Baby Love
Bamboletta (means little doll in Italian)
Coconut Head (for Felicia’s perfectly round head)
Cantaloupe Head (same reason as above)
Poopy Butt (for obvious reasons)
Bridgie
BridgieButt
BridgiePie
Bridgettina
Felicetta
Ladybug (BabyF, for some reason you remind me of a ladybug)
Amore (means love in Italian)
Tesoro (means treasure in Italian)
Cuore di Mamma (means mother’s heart in Italian)
Little Girl

I’m sure there are others and there will be others in the future, but I can’t seem to think of them right now. They are all, and will always be, terms of endearment.

Love,
Mamma

P.S. Thank you for sleeping for longer periods through most nights. I am eternally grateful!

what they don't tell you

2009-01-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

Here are a few things women could expect to experience after delivering a child (or children) via c-section... and after breastfeeding for even just a short period of time.

Your tits will sag and look deflated.

Your abdomen will remain numb.

The skin over your midsection, which had stretched so far to accomodate 16lbs of baby (plus everything they needed in there while in residence), will be saggy.

Your back will ache at the spinal block injection site - an ache sometimes so intense that you feel like you may fall if you don't sit down.

Your hair will turn grey.

A thin dark line (linea negra) will appear from about the middle of your midsection down to your public mound.

You will find yourself searching for words and feel like a total idiot with all of the memory blanks.

I'm sure there are others I'm not remembering at the moment. I have no idea if or when any of these things will change or go back to normal... hopefully very soon. I have been feeling very ugly lately and I would love for a few things to go back to normal.

they really DO love me!

2009-01-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

We put them in separate cribs last night for the first time and for the very first time they BOTH slept through the entire night!

BabyF was asleep by about 8:30pm and woke at 6:00am.

BabyB was asleep by about 9:30pm and woke at 7:30am.

I, being the crazy overprotective mother that I am, woke at 3:00am to listen for them... then again at 4:00am... and then again at 5:30am. I began to worry about BabyF because she has never gone more than six hours between feedings. So I got up and went to check on them. Once I saw them both wiggle and coo I felt relieved and went back to bed.

Now, of course, I've jinxed it by posting about it, but I'm REALLY hoping this is the start of a new and permanent sleeping schedule. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Month Two

2008-12-21T14:26:00.000-08:00

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

Today, on your Mamma’s 38th birthday, you turn two months old. I can’t believe it has already been two months since you were evicted from my belly. You’ve both already changed so much in the past month and I’ve changed right along with you.

They say necessity is the mother of invention. What I’ve needed most during your first two months has been sleep. For this reason I decided it was time to try starting you both on a bedtime routine in an effort to get you both to sleep longer than an hour or two at a time. So when you were six weeks old we started you on a routine that is ongoing – it includes a bath, a bottle, being swaddled and then being put to sleep. BabyB, you took to it like a champ – sleeping through the entire night from the very beginning. BabyF, you resisted at first and stuck to your feedings every three to four hours, but have since come around and now often go five hours before your next feeding. This morning you gave me my birthday present by going a record-breaking six hours between your bedtime and early morning feeding! Thank you, my sweet little ladybug!

There have been a lot of firsts for both of you during the last couple of weeks.
- You both started smiling at us when we speak with you and play with you.
- You both have become much more alert and are staying awake for longer periods of time, wanting to interact and be entertained.
- You both have gained much more strength and are able to hold your heads up a little, but still don’t have full control and are still my two little beautiful bobble-heads.

- We started taking you out in public in the last couple of weeks. First we only took one of you out at a time while leaving the other with your Nonna because we simply didn’t have the confidence that we could handle both of you if you both freaked out in public at the same time. However in the last week we’ve been taking you both out together everywhere we go – grocery shopping, to the mall, etc.
- BabyB, we took you with us when we went to meet with a notary to have our wills done and to name a guardian for you both (in case we both pass away while you are still minors) and we ended up having to change your diaper on the notary’s fancy mahogany desk right in her office. It was a stressful yet funny moment and the notary was luckily very understanding.

- We took you both to a restaurant for the first time yesterday when your father took me out for a late breakfast to celebrate my birthday one day early.
- We took you both to your first Sunday mass at church last week and then to your Nonna’s for lunch for the first time.
- I read to you both for the first time. You both listened to my voice and watched the book attentively – even smiled from time to time. That was one of my favourite moments of the week.

There have been changes in your behaviour too. BabyF, you are often able to cry yourself to sleep. I discovered this accidentally one day while I was caring for both of you alone. I had my hands full with BabyB and BabyF started crying. I couldn’t stop feeding BabyB or she would start to cry. So my intention was to just let you cry, BabyF, until I could put BabyB down and pick you up. I was shocked when, after no more than five minutes you just stopped crying and fell fast asleep. I was so proud of you for being able to soothe yourself. BabyB, you also sometimes fall asleep on your own, but not if you’re crying. You usually fall asleep on your own only if you’re already calm – which is fine by me. Even your spurts of colic have become less intense and less lengthy. One thing that has remained constant is the difference in your temperaments. BabyB, you are pretty slow to get upset while BabyF is like a high performance sports car and can go from 0 to 60 (or in her case, from being perfectly quiet to full wailing) in the blink of an eye. And I have absolutely no complaints about any of it. You are both such good girls for your Mamma and I am so very proud of both of you.

I’m amazed at how much you’ve both grown and changed and are developing your big personalities in your little bodies. You are still the best and most challenging parts of my days… and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love you, my sweet little treasures.

Love,
Mamma

outnumbered

2008-12-11T05:46:00.000-08:00

Every time I'm left alone with the twins I feel a small sense of panic. I've made progress, though, because it used to be a HUGE sense of panic. Luckily I'm not left alone with them very often - generally not more than once a day for no more than about an hour at a time and I always remind J on his way out to hurry back. There will soon come a day when I cannot ask J to hurry back. This is because he will be returning to work in about a month.

I've been very fortunate to have him home with me since the twins' births. We planned this very carefully and agreed he should be home as long as possible right after they were born. So he worked very hard and long hours throughout my pregnancy and he accumulated weeks of banked hours. He also held on to weeks of vacation time. In addition to that the government allows him to have time off for paternity leave. This means he will be home until early to mid January.

I am already panicking about his eventual return to work. I think about having to care for both babies by myself all day and all night and I am filled with panic. What if I'm not able to do it? What if they both want to feed at the same time? What if they both cry at the top of their lungs at the same time? How will I console them both? What if there's an emergency and I have to take them out - how will I get them both safely out to the car? It all seems impossible even though I know I will just have to find a way to make it work.

I think I should start practicing during the next few weeks by having J leave me alone with them for increasingly longer periods of time. Eeeks! Wish me luck!

Month One

2008-11-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

A month ago today you came into my world and immediately changed me forever. The moment I heard your precious little cries as you announced your arrival my heart flooded and swelled with a kind of love I’ve never experienced before. Every moment of pain and discomfort throughout my pregnancy was completely worthwhile and became the furthest thing from my mind.

You were both kept in the nursery during that first night in the hospital because I was unable to move or care for you after the c-section delivery. Although I felt physically horrible, I felt emotionally fulfilled because I was now the mother of two precious little girls and I couldn’t wait to have you near me and in my care.

Within days your different personalities were evident, as were your different physical traits. BabyB, you seemed very relaxed and easy-going in the first days – content to sleep and nurse. From the very first day you were very vocal, humming appreciatively throughout your feedings and filling your diapers more often than I could count – even surprising us with your first poop explosion moments after we first arrived home from the hospital. BabyF, you not only resembled your Mamma in appearance but with your fiery temper as well. You very quickly let us know when you wanted something with your loud and beautiful cries and you just as quickly settled down when your needs were met. Your Daddy and I were so proud and happy and uncertain and emotional through it all.

During your fourth week, you both started to show signs of colic. From about 4:00pm until 9:00pm almost every evening at least one of you was inconsolable – sometimes both of you remained cranky and awake through that whole time. Daddy and I both questioned our abilities and we called on your Nonna to come to the rescue as often as she could. Three pairs of hands were much better than two pairs – especially when we were all so sleep deprived and I was still recovering from the surgery and hormonal imbalances that come postpartum. We were told that this was normal and the only thing that repeatedly got us through each evening was reminding each other that this was a temporary situation and that the colicky phase will pass by the time you’re three or four months old. I hope and pray that it doesn’t take that long and I beg each of you every evening to just go to sleep so that Daddy and I can get some rest and take better care of you. Every time I can’t console one of you, my heart breaks and I often end up crying right along with you. I promise I will keep trying to figure out what works, even through the tears and frustration and feelings of inadequacy.

In spite of the colic, this first month of your lives has been one filled with celebrations. I celebrate everything from poop-filled diapers to earth-shattering burps and sleepy smiles. Everything you do is a wonder to me and I have most often been found holding you in my arms and smiling upon your beautiful faces, cooing soft words of adoration and praise. I may not always know what to do or how to do it, but I do know that the love I feel for you reaches the furthest depths of me. I am fiercely protective of each of you. You have given me strength and happiness and purpose that I never knew would fulfill me so deeply. BabyF and BabyB, I now exist for you. Happy first month-iversary, my treasures.

Love,
Mamma

breast is best

2008-11-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

Breast is best. That was the single most repeated phrase I heard from the moment I became pregnant to now. From the moment I registered at the hospital at about 12 weeks into the pregnancy until about two weeks after the twins were born I must have heard and read that phrase at hundreds of times from dozens of sources - ranging from nurses to friends who had successfully nursed their own babies, along with countless books and pamphlets.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed my babies before I even knew I was pregnant. My goal has always been to do my absolute best to exclusively breastfeed any children I might have for the first six months of their lives. All of the information indicates that breast is indeed best. It seems to be nutritionally superior, more convenient (no need for washing and sterilizing and carrying around bottles and formula), more economical (savings of up to $2000-$3000), and helps create a stronger bond between mother and child. I've also always thought that breastfeeding would be the most natural and easiest thing in the world. It turns out I was mistaken about that last part.

While recovering at the hospital (who am I kidding - hospitals are no place for recovery) I saw at least half a dozen nurses / lactation consultants who were there to help ensure my babies were latching on properly and breastfeeding was going well. Each nurse had a slightly different technique, repeatedly correcting the tips I put in place from the previous nurse's visit. Each nurse managed to make me feel, in my hormone overloaded post-partum state, that I was doing it all wrong. Feelings of failure and inadequacy were extremely high in those few days. I was a new mother caring for two babies while trying to recover from a painful surgery. I was clueless and felt helpless. Not a single nurse provided encouragement - only harsh and cold correction. My tears were running like a full-flowing tap.

During those first days at the hospital the twins would nurse on my breasts for a short while and then I would have to supplement with some formula in a tiny plastic measuring cup. Bottles with nipples were not allowed in the hospital for fear the infants would suffer from nipple confusion and end up refusing mother's breast in favour of the much easier bottle nipple. BabyB ended up losing more weight than was acceptable and I began to panic about how little she was getting from my breasts. There were threats about keeping us in the hospital longer if she didn't begin to regain some of that weight immediately. I began to increase the amount of formula I was using to supplement. We were released after 72 hours of their birth and much begging from both J and me.

After much frustration (for me and the girls) with maintaining that same feeding routine, my nipples cracked and bled, despite a good latch from both of them. Both BabyF and BabyB have wonderful appetites and BabyB sometimes liked to play a catch and release game with my nipples. She seemed to entertain herself by yanking her head back while suckling on a nipple until the nipple popped out of mouth and then violently lunging back on and chomping hard on the nipple again - repeatedly. BabyF also liked to chomp down hard. Sensitivity led to cracked nipples until the nipples looked like they'd been scraped against a cheese grater. The pain during their feedings had me in tears and I began to dread the approach of feeding time.

By the time they were two weeks old, I was incapable of handling the pain and had to remove BabyB from my breast at the beginning of a feeding session and feed her that entire meal with formula. I sobbed. I felt I had failed my daughters and wasn't providing what was best for them. Tremendous guilt washed over me and a dark cloud of sadness and worthlessness hung over me constantly. I was a horrible mother and a fool to think I could be a good mother.

I made my first difficult parenting decision. It was time to take a break from breastfeeding in order to allow my nipples to heal. I would continue pumping as often as possible and feed them my milk in a bottle while still supplementing with formula. I had a manual pump and ended up getting out a pitiful ounce per day. More tear-filled days and nights ensued. I went out and rented an electrical pump and started taking specific herbs to help increase my milk production. Within a day I went from pumping 20ml to 85ml. Within a few days after that I managed to pump 220ml in a full day. I spoke to friends with infants of their own who had been struggling with breastfeeding also and felt much better with their uplifting words and advice. Despite my sore nipples, I finally felt encouraged. This was still not enough to nourish them, but it was enough for one full feeding for both of them. I finally came to accept that this would be enough if it was the best I could do. The dark cloud lifted.

The healthcare community should take a long hard look at their approach. A new mother is often filled with insecurities with emotions running high. She doesn't need harsh criticism and strict rules. She needs encouragement and options. I've been very lucky to have the ability to accept my decision that goes against the very aggressive advice of every nurse and several well-meaning friends and family members. I am very fortunate and grateful to have the support of my husband, my mother, and of a few close friends. Without them, I would still be walking around with that dark cloud of guilt over me.

Happy mom = happy baby... and vice versa.

my little pacifists

2008-10-31T15:17:00.000-07:00

Ten days old and BabyB is already promoting peace...
or is that her way of claiming victory over her momma's heart?

our precious little miracles

2008-10-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

They're here and we couldn't be more thrilled!

Our precious twin girls were born on Tuesday, October 21, 2008 via c-section. The first to arrive was BabyF at 9:03pm, weighing 7lbs 1oz and measuring 21 inches. She's delicate but feisty and has darker hair and a smaller face than her younger sister. She was followed a minute later at 9:04pm by her baby sister BabyB, weighing 8lbs 5oz and measuring 22 inches. BabyB looks a lot more like her daddy, with her lighter hair and more rectangular face and she seems to have a more relaxed disposition than her older sister. Their personalities already seem so different and we adore them both more than we could have ever imagined.

I don't have much time for a more detailed update than that right now, but I promise to post more as soon as I can. The important thing is that we are all doing well and happy to be home. I can't thank everyone enough for the good wishes.

start pacing

2008-10-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am officially freaking out.

I had two appointments last Friday - first was a meeting with the high risk specialist and an ultrasound, and second was a meeting with my regular ob-gyn.

My last ultrasound was three weeks prior. At that time, both babies were still in the breech position (head up, feet down - not good for vaginal delivery and they had been in this position for well over a month) and they weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and 7 lbs.

Due to their positions, my regular ob-gyn has been talking about the probability of a c-section for the longest time and I finally came to accept that a c-section it would be. I am totally fine with that - maybe even relieved. After all, a c-section sounds pretty easy. You show up at the scheduled time, they prep you, make a slit in your lower abdomen (just above the pubic mound) just big enough for a baby's head to come through, remove the placenta, stitch you up, hand you your baby for a moment, and then you suffer through a week or two of recovery and everything goes back to normal. Well, as normal as things can be with newborns around. There would be no mystery of when and how and how long. No waiting for water to break or contractions to hit full force. No breathing through agonizing pain while things loosen up and a baby descends. No pushing big babies out of a tiny hole... and yes, it's tiny.

Every health professional with whom I met said it would likely be too late for the babies to turn because there isn't much room with two of them in there. So, after my meeting with my ob-gyn a week ago, she decided to schedule a c-section for October 24 (38.5 weeks into the pregnancy). Having a firm date made me nervous and excited at the same time.

When I had my ultrasound last Friday morning, the technician and high risk specialist told me that both babies have turned. They are both now with their heads down and in position for birth. We were all very surprised that they managed to turn this late in the game. My first feeling was one of panic as I realized what this meant - vaginal delivery. They also measured the babies at the ultrasound to give us approximate current weights. The little one weighs 7 lbs 4 oz. The big one couldn't be measured because his/her head is too low in the pelvic cavity. Chances are pretty high that the big one weighs close to 9 lbs at this point. I felt more panic over the prospect of a vaginal delivery.

Later that same day we went to see my ob-gyn. We gave her the update from the ultrasound - both babies had turned and are in position, one is too low to measure, and they are healthy sizes. My doctor started talking about vaginal delivery and my eyes filled with tears. She said I could choose to have a c-section, but that there are less chances of complications with a vaginal delivery. I just listened. She reassured me that an anesthesiologist would be standing by and the operating room ready for an emergency c-section. She also reassured me that she would not take any unnecessary risks and that we would proceed with a c-section if there were any indications of complications at any time during labour. I trust my doctor and I trust her to know what is best. I will not ask for a c-section.

She examined me, as she always does every week. Things were a little different this time. Protein was detected in my urine and my blood pressure was higher than usual - both signs of preeclampsia. Suddenly we were talking about sending me to the hospital immediately and inducing labour. More panic set in. She listened for the babies' heartbeats and they both sounded fine. Then she did a quick exam to feel for the babies' positions. She said she could feel one of their heads. She also said I was not dilated or effaced, but that my cervix had softened. These babies were definitely getting ready to come out. She had me sit up to have my blood pressure checked in an upright position and it was normal - very surprising with all the panic I was feeling. She decided to hold off induction.

Assuming nothing happens in the meantime, the next step is for me to go to triage in obstetrics on Tuesday. They will examine me. If signs of preeclampsia are still there, then they'll induce labour. The doctor said I should be prepared to stay - that means bringing my packed hospital bag. If everything is back to normal, we'll stick with the October 24 date (Friday) and induce labour then... assuming the babies don't decide to come out sooner.

I am in panic city!

34.5 weeks update

2008-09-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

Had an ultrasound yesterday and met with the high risk specialist. She didn't bother checking my cervix this time because she said that they won't try to stop me if I go into labour at this point. So I guess it could happen any day. Eeeks!

The kidney problem with the one baby has not changed. At the last ultrasound it had gotten bigger in proportion with the baby's growth, this time it didn't grow at all since last time while the baby did grow. So this is good.

They are both breech (and have been in this position for at least four weeks) and its unlikely that they'll turn - not enough room in there. So it will likely be a c-section and I'm surprisingly ok with that! It hasn't been scheduled yet, but it will definitely be before the 38.5 weeks mark.

As of yesterday their estimated weights were 5.6 lbs and 7.0 lbs while the average weight for a baby at 34 weeks according to baby.com is 4.75 lbs. That means I'm carrying around close to 13 lbs of baby! No wonder I'm so tired!

I'm a wimp

2008-09-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

Dear hubby and I ran some errands today. Errands are tough on me. Walking or standing for lengthy periods of time leave me in some serious pain. "Lengthy periods" are currently defined as anything beyond about ten minutes. I used to be able to shop and run errands all day and only feel a little tired at the end of the day, now I can't even get through a shopping trip through Costco.

We went to a friend's house this morning and had breakfast with him. No biggie, right? After that we went to the mall, but we only entered one store and we didn't even have to go through the mall to get to the store. We spent no more than 20 minutes in the store and then headed back to the car. When I arrived at the car, I couldn't lift my leg to get in. So I sat my butt down and then tried to get my legs in while I turned my body. Within moments I was in tears and whining "I don't know how much longer I can do this". It was quite pathetic actually, and I am ashamed for being such a wimp.

You see, this pregnancy has brought with it a condition called SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction). Here is a brief description of the symptoms:

Pain in the pubic area and groin are the most common symptoms. You may also suffer from back pain in pregnancy, Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) or hip pain. It is common to feel a grinding or clicking in your pubic area and the pain may travel down the inside of the thighs or between your legs. The pain is usually made worse by separating your legs, walking, going up or down stairs or moving around in bed. It is often much worse at night and can stop you getting much sleep. Getting up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night can be especially painful.

The pain almost feels like enormous pressure from the inside. Stepping in and out of my clothes is quite the ordeal, as is trying to turn from one side to the other in bed. So aside from feeling excruciating pain in my pubic area and my hips, I am also very much sleep-deprived. It makes for very challenging days and frustrating nights... and it also makes for a very drained and emotional Anna. The pain kicked in sometime in the second trimester - I would say at least three months ago - and has been getting progressively worse.

Maybe I need a mantra or some constant reminder that this is almost over and my body will be my own again very soon.

Jack and Jill

2008-09-18T08:16:00.001-07:00

As already mentioned, we don't know the genders of the babies. Not only that, but we also don't know if they are identical or fraternal. That means we might end up with two boys or two girls or one of each. Although they are in separate sacs, we've been told that the chances of them being identical are very slim, but the possibility still exists.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a total whackjob about being prepared in advance, am the queen of lists, and a total control freak. So how does one prepare for the unknown? I haven't figured that out yet, but I do have more lists than I ever have had for any other event in my life.

There's a to-do list.
There's a what-do-we-need-to-complete-the-nursery list.
There's a what-do-we-need-for-the-first-few-weeks-after-birth list.
There are three what-to-pack-for-hospital lists.
And, of course, there is the list of potential baby names.

Baby names - ah... why must this be everyone's business? I've lost track of how many people have asked me "Have you chosen names yet?" When I was foolish and naive, I actually shared some of the names we were considering with those who asked. I quickly learned that people are idiots who feel perfectly comfortable criticizing my choices. So I decided I would stop discussing any potential baby names with anyone and that they would all learn the babies' names after they're born. At that point, it would be completely inappropriate for someone to say anything negative about the chosen name because it would be too late to change it.

So, for those who are wondering about baby names all I can tell you is that I have certain criteria. The names must be easily pronounced in three languages - English (because their Daddy is an anglophone), French (because we live in Quebec) and Italian (because Mommy and her family are Italian). A perfect example of such a name is my very own - Anna. :)

Suggestions, of course, are always welcomed. However, I feel pretty confident that the names we've finally agreed upon are going to stick. And, let me tell you, it wasn't easy for us to agree on two girl names and two boy names.

let me introduce you to them

2008-09-17T06:26:00.001-07:00

We don't know the genders of the babies because we don't want to know. So the hospital staff has decided to label them as Baby A and Baby B. I sometimes refer to them as Thing One and Thing Two or Little Monkeys or a bunch of other endearing terms, but nothing has really stuck. So they are Baby A and Baby B.

Baby A (aka The Little One):
- at the 30-week ultrasound weighed 3.75 lbs (average weight at that stage is 3.2 to 3.3 lbs)
- has always been positioned lower in my belly
- has always been closer to my left side
- is currently breech (feet down), but has changed position several times throughout the pregnancy
- I can feel this one's kicks very low in my abdomen - so low that it feels like a foot is going to pop out of my private parts

Baby B (aka The Big One or The Chubby One):
- at the 30-week ultrasound weighed 4.4 lbs (more than a full pound above average)
- has always been positioned much higher than The Little One
- has always been closer to my right side
- has been in a transverse position (sideways) with feet just above my belly button throughout almost the entire pregnancy
- this one moves a LOT and seems to get hiccups much more frequently than the Little One
- this one appears to only have one functioning kidney, but is being a real trooper and thriving wonderfully with just one kidney doing all the work

They both wiggle around a lot and the surface of my extended belly sometimes looks like "the wave" at a sporting event. I must say that feeling them kick and move is the most amazing feeling in the world. I think I'll miss that once they're out in the real world.

I'm definitely looking forward to meeting them - even though I feel like I won't know what to do with them once they arrive. I guess I'll just have to figure it out as we go along. I just hope these two will be patient while their Mamma tries to figure things out.

32 weeks and going strong

2008-09-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm just over 32 weeks pregnant with twins. Things have been going well - very well, in fact. I didn't develop gestational diabetes - there's always a high risk of that when pregnant with twins, both babies are growing very well and even measuring bigger than average, and I feel pretty darn good.

This has been a pretty good pregnancy aside from swelling, pain in my joints (particularly my wrists and hips), some spd (symphysis pubis dysfunction = severe pelvic pain) and some sinus congestion. Fatigue is a bit of an issue, but I've been told its just mother nature's way of preparing for sleepless nights once the babies arrive.

The biggest issue and scare has been and continues to be the health of the babies. One of the babies appears to have only one functioning kidney. So far we've been very lucky because overall kidney function has remained normal and there has been no need for medical intervention (i.e. in-utero surgery or delivering the babies early). We'll only really know how bad it is and what needs to be done after the babies are born. In the meantime, they are both thriving - kicking up a storm and letting me know they are happily playing in their mommy's belly.

Being 32 weeks pregnant means that there are 8 weeks to go to my official due date (November 3rd, 2008). However, my doctor repeatedly reminds me that she will not allow this pregnancy to go past 38.5 weeks, which would bring us to October 24, 2008. Although a full gestational period is 40 weeks, babies reach full-term and are fully developed by 37 weeks. So my goal is to try to keep these little monkeys inside and growing until at least 37 weeks, which would be October 14, 2008. That's less than five weeks away. Things are getting very exciting!