Sunday, May 24, 2009

Anna - ology

(stolen from Miranda)


What is your salad dressing of choice? Balsamic

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Casa Tapas

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Tapas

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Vegetarian + Anchovies

What do you like to put on your toast? I no longer eat toast


How many televisions are in your house? Three, but if it were up to me we would only have one.

What color cell phone do you have? White and silver with some orange accents

Do you have an Ipod? No, but I have an MP3 player


Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Two babies, a fetus (I hate calling it that), two cysts, four wisdom teeth

What is the last heavy item you lifted? My babies

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, I don't think so.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Maybe - depends on my state of mind at the time.


How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Just one pair.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Just under a year ago. I was pulled over for wearing my seatbelt incorrectly (tucked beneath my arm because it was bothering me - I was VERY pregnant at the time)

Last person you talked to? BabyF, but she's only seven months old so it was a one-way conversation.

Last person you hugged? BabyF.


Season? Fall

Holiday? Christmas, but I wish I could get away from the commercialism of it.

Day of the week? Hmmm, while on maternity leave every day seems the same. When I was working my favourite day was Thursday.

Month? December


Missing someone? Oh god, yes! Like you wouldn't believe!

Mood? Worried

What are you listening to? The tv in the other room serving as background noise to keep BabyB asleep.

Watching? The computer screen

Worrying about? Chris, Jim, making the right choices at the right times


First place you went this morning? I haven't left the house. I went to the bathroom first.

What's the last movie you saw? I re-watched The Secretary two days ago

Do you smile often? Yes, most of the time

Sleeping Alone Tonight? No


Do you always answer your phone? If I'm not busy or if it's someone I feel like speaking with at that moment.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? It had better be a wrong number or an emergency. Otherwise it's Joe (an ex-boyfriend) and he's drunk and missing me.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Any colour works for me.

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Don't have a Sonic here.

Do you own a digital camera? Yes

Have you ever had a pet fish? No

Favorite Christmas song(s) - Too many to list. I like most Christmas songs.

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A really intense scene involving delicious pain, lots of torturous orgasm denial, and some worship (me doing the worshipping)

Can you do push ups? Yes, but very few

Can you do a chin up? I doubt it

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Both!

Do you have any saved texts? Yes, a few

Ever been in a car wreck? No, just some minor accidents

Do you have an accent? I don't think so, but some say I do

What is the last song to make you cry? I don't remember

Plans tonight? No plans

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Once.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Baby formula, groceries, and a Ritter Sport chocolate bar

Have you ever been given roses? Yes

Current worry? Didn't we already cover this? Chris, Jim, and making the right choices at the right times.

Current hate right now? No hate at the moment

Met someone who changed your life? Yes

How will you bring in the New Year? I don't know yet

What song represents you? U2's Stuck In A Moment comes to mind right now

Name three people who might complete this? Can't think of one

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? No... well, maybe.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Yes

Do you have any tattoos/piercings? Single hole in each earlobe

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? I think so

Does anyone love you? I think so

Would you be a pirate? No, but I might be a wench

What songs do you sing in the shower? It varies from day to day

Ever had someone sing to you? Yes

When did you last cry? Yesterday

Do you like to cuddle? Yes

Have you held hands with anyone today? No

Who was the last person you took a picture of? BabyF and BabyB

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Some Disco and whatever my older brothers were listening to at the time

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects? Yes. So much so that a friend once told me, "you have too much cock around you".

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? A balanced mix of both

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Yes

What is something your friends make fun of you for? My clumsiness and my over-friendliness with strangers.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Month Seven - May 21, 2009

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

You turned seven months today. Having passed the six-month mark makes me so much more aware of how close you are to being a year old already. I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again... time is passing by so very quickly. I often don't realize it on a day-to-day basis, but it really hits me when some strangers asks me your age and I reply "seven months".

There was no letter written at six months and I apologize for that. Six months seems to be such a milestone and I feel horribly for skipping that month because I was drowning in my own struggles. I'll try to do a brief recap here and I hope you'll forgive me for not providing more details.

Month six included your first fever/cold. You both got sick at the same time, thanks to your father bringing home some horrible cold/flu from work. The entire world had been talking about the swine flu (which claimed lives), but, thankfully, that isn't what you had. You both had fever, a cough, and were vomiting for about a day and a half. You had also started teething at this time and the combination of teething and fever gave you both the worst diaper rash to date. Corn starch is our friend. Temperament-wise, BabyB was especially clingy through all this, but you both maintained your good humour and smiled and played whenever anyone attempted to entertain you. So, thanks to your good-natured ways, we managed to get through your first cold/flu together.

Also in month six, you both started eating "solids". Quite honestly there's nothing solid about mush, but everyone seems to call it "solids" so we'll stick with that label. BabyF started three weeks earlier than BabyB because we're extra cautious with BabyB's kidney condition and we didn't want to overload it with minerals it may not be able to handle. BabyF was a pro at gobbling up cereal mush almost from the very get-go. BabyB took a little longer to figure things out, but once that happened BabyB mastered it.

At your six-month check-up, your pediatrician told us you were both the size of a nine-month old baby. So you're both growing very well and developing nicely. You both learned how to roll from your back onto your sides and you both do very well during tummy-time. The giggles have come out more often too and there are always smiles to be seen. You also seem to enjoy going out for long walks in your stroller (which we do every day that isn't too cold or windy or raining) and you both end up taking a nap while mommy gets some exercise... a win-win situation!

Now onto month seven!

This past month has been filled with so many joys and so many challenges. Let's see if I can do this in point form before one of you wails for my attention.

- you've had lots of different mush food: rice cereal, barley cereal, oatmeal cereal, butternut squash, carrot, zucchini, sweet potato, green beans (BabyB isn't too fond of this so I often mix it with the sweet potato), peas, apple, and pear. The next month will include meat and legumes. I've been making the fruits and vegetables myself and it's a lengthy process - wash, peel, steam/boil/bake, let cool, and mush (sometimes blender first and then food mill... other times just food mill).

- BabyB, you've learned to roll from your back to your front. BabyF, you still only make it onto your side
- BabyB, you've very recently taken to sleeping on your side some nights
- you both have started to sit up and can manage to stay upright unassisted for a few seconds at a time
- you both enjoy watching your Baby Einstein dvd's
- BabyB, you absolutely LOVE watching Sid the Science Kid on PBS
- BabyB, you love being tossed around and being very physical. BabyF, you prefer much less physical play
- BabyB, you like to be SuperGirl when I hold you up in the air with your body horizontal. You always put your arms straight out by your sides and behind you like you're ready to take off. This is what earned you the name SuperGirl
- BabyF, you love to have your belly and thighs tickled and you giggle almost uncontrollably
- you both look at each other and laugh sometimes - it's the most adorable thing in the world and melts my heart every time.
- BabyF, you have a habit of farting whenever you cough or sneeze. It's cute and quite funny for now, but I hope that goes away by the time you're a teenager... for your sake.
- BabyB, sometimes when people talk to you, you smile and tuck in your chin and turn away from them like you're shy
BabyF, if I allowed it you would spend hours just staring at your fingers and "counting".

There's so much going on and I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. It's just such a joy to see more and more of your personalities shining through. And we have so much fun playing together. I just wish there were more hours in the day so that I could spend more time with you... and so I can get more sleep to restore some energy to spend more time playing with you.

All my love,

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I suck at this

I know I'm not supposed to think this stuff and I'm certainly not supposed to admit to it, but it's the truth. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm in over my head. There have been days when I've thought (and even said aloud), "what was I thinking?" or "I can't do this" or "I want to run away from home".

I love my daughters more than I love anyone or anything else. I absolutely adore them. I'm grateful to have these precious children and I'm grateful that I've been granted my lifelong wish of becoming a mother. I wouldn't trade these babies for the world and cannot imagine my life without them.

Sometimes, though, that love doesn't seem like it's going to be enough to give me the strength or patience or energy I need to get through the day. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "I give up!" Sometimes I feel like I'm not nearly up to par when it comes to parenting twin babies.

I've been especially struggling with BabyB lately. She doesn't like to sleep. She rarely naps during the day. When she does nap, she has tiny snoozes that last about 15 minutes. She USED TO sleep through the night, but bedtime has been a huge struggle for quite some time and she's been waking at about 1:30am the past few nights. She fights off going to sleep. She is clearly tired, but she cries and gets upset when I try to put her to bed. I've tried different techniques and none have worked. I used to be able to put her to bed while still awake shortly after her last feeding and she would drift off to sleep peacefully. In the last month or so, that hasn't been possible. Her bedtime routine used to take about 30 minutes; now it takes well over an hour (sometimes closer to two). And when she wakes in the middle of the night, I have a difficult time getting her back to sleep. She falls asleep quite easily in my arms and will stay asleep while I hold her, but wakes up and cries when I put her down.

I cannot keep her in my arms all night - although I have considered it. I need sleep too. And I need to take care of her sister as well. Giving BabyB so much of my attention makes me feel like I'm being a bad mother to BabyF. I should be giving her my attention too - even if she isn't asking for it. I should be spending more time with her; playing with her and stimulating her development. BabyB's demands for attention make that impossible. So I feel like a horrible mother. I've even said aloud, "I could have ten babies if they were all like BabyF". Isn't that horrible?! I don't favour one baby over the other, but it sounds like I do.

I'm just drained - physically and emotionally. And this teething phase is making things more difficult than I imagined.