Sunday, May 17, 2009

I suck at this

I know I'm not supposed to think this stuff and I'm certainly not supposed to admit to it, but it's the truth. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm in over my head. There have been days when I've thought (and even said aloud), "what was I thinking?" or "I can't do this" or "I want to run away from home".

I love my daughters more than I love anyone or anything else. I absolutely adore them. I'm grateful to have these precious children and I'm grateful that I've been granted my lifelong wish of becoming a mother. I wouldn't trade these babies for the world and cannot imagine my life without them.

Sometimes, though, that love doesn't seem like it's going to be enough to give me the strength or patience or energy I need to get through the day. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "I give up!" Sometimes I feel like I'm not nearly up to par when it comes to parenting twin babies.

I've been especially struggling with BabyB lately. She doesn't like to sleep. She rarely naps during the day. When she does nap, she has tiny snoozes that last about 15 minutes. She USED TO sleep through the night, but bedtime has been a huge struggle for quite some time and she's been waking at about 1:30am the past few nights. She fights off going to sleep. She is clearly tired, but she cries and gets upset when I try to put her to bed. I've tried different techniques and none have worked. I used to be able to put her to bed while still awake shortly after her last feeding and she would drift off to sleep peacefully. In the last month or so, that hasn't been possible. Her bedtime routine used to take about 30 minutes; now it takes well over an hour (sometimes closer to two). And when she wakes in the middle of the night, I have a difficult time getting her back to sleep. She falls asleep quite easily in my arms and will stay asleep while I hold her, but wakes up and cries when I put her down.

I cannot keep her in my arms all night - although I have considered it. I need sleep too. And I need to take care of her sister as well. Giving BabyB so much of my attention makes me feel like I'm being a bad mother to BabyF. I should be giving her my attention too - even if she isn't asking for it. I should be spending more time with her; playing with her and stimulating her development. BabyB's demands for attention make that impossible. So I feel like a horrible mother. I've even said aloud, "I could have ten babies if they were all like BabyF". Isn't that horrible?! I don't favour one baby over the other, but it sounds like I do.

I'm just drained - physically and emotionally. And this teething phase is making things more difficult than I imagined.


Ponita in Real Life said...

Oh, Anna! You are *not* a bad mother in any way! What you are feeling is very normal. But you need resources. Have you checked to see if there are any support groups for parents with twins? That might give you the help you need to weather this phase of the girls' development.

Teething makes the kids behave in ways they didn't before. It will pass eventually. You are a wonderful mum... don't ever think you are not!

You need some of those hugs that you and me and everyone else have been passing along to Chris. So here's a big one for you...


~Just me again~ said... are not a bad mother. If everyone thought that way, no one would have kids. Kat was colicky for the first 4 months of her life. She was up every waking hour it seemed. I resented when my husband got to go to work. I know two is twice the work, but hang in there. They will grow out of it.

You know I think every mother gets feelings like that, its not uncommon. They're your kids, you love them. But at the same token, you dont have to like them every second. (((Big hugs))).

I love my kids with all my being, but I swear some days ;).....specially lately, I wonder who's kid Kat is.

Hang in there, its just this phase. It will pass, and then go into another...........and that is like the circle of life. ;)

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I have never visited before, but I have followed comments on Chris' blog and with his health I am in need of a distraction. I read your post and well all I can say is God bless you. You want to please and be everything at once knowing you must also take care of yourself in order to do so.
Let me tell you that you are perfect the way you are. Those little girls, as I believe all babies do, chose you for their mother and through the teething and chaos as they grow they will love you for doing whatever it takes including take timne for you so that you can be a great mother. I am sure you know, but I will tell you anyway you can not give them anything more or better than what you are doing already and having those fears and doubts only shows how wonderful you are. Chin up love, you are all they need.

Soft love,

Jonas said...

I've NEVER met a parent who hasn't expressed the same sentiments a thousand times...and a thousand times again.

Miraculously, they've all survived to tell their tales...with a smile.

anna said...

Ponita - I truly appreciate the suggestion, but I'm not really big on support groups for myself. I see the value in them for others, but not for me. I'm not sure why, but it just is. Also, I feel like some days I have a hard time finding a way to just take them for a walk. I can't imagine making time to go someplace I don't really want to go.

And yes, I often stop and look at the big picture. This is a VERY temporary phase (the teething) and will pass soon. Just as I was freaking out in their first three months and felt like I was in a horribly dark place but managed to come out of it, this too shall pass.

Thank you for the hug. Chris definitely needs them more than I do.

miranda - Where the heck have you been, woman?! Your blog disappeared - again!

Yeah, this phase will pass and another will begin. It's neverending, isn't it? I don't think I really knew what I was getting myself into.

inside/outside - I'm glad I could provide a slight distraction for you. Thank you for visiting and commenting. Your words made me cry.

"You want to please and be everything at once..." You don't know me enough to know just how true those words are, but they are bang on.

Jonas - Yes, this will pass and in five or ten or twenty years I'll be able to recount it with a smile... or so I hope.