Month Two

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

Today, on your Mamma’s 38th birthday, you turn two months old. I can’t believe it has already been two months since you were evicted from my belly. You’ve both already changed so much in the past month and I’ve changed right along with you.

They say necessity is the mother of invention. What I’ve needed most during your first two months has been sleep. For this reason I decided it was time to try starting you both on a bedtime routine in an effort to get you both to sleep longer than an hour or two at a time. So when you were six weeks old we started you on a routine that is ongoing – it includes a bath, a bottle, being swaddled and then being put to sleep. BabyB, you took to it like a champ – sleeping through the entire night from the very beginning. BabyF, you resisted at first and stuck to your feedings every three to four hours, but have since come around and now often go five hours before your next feeding. This morning you gave me my birthday present by going a record-breaking six hours between your bedtime and early morning feeding! Thank you, my sweet little ladybug!

There have been a lot of firsts for both of you during the last couple of weeks.
- You both started smiling at us when we speak with you and play with you.
- You both have become much more alert and are staying awake for longer periods of time, wanting to interact and be entertained.
- You both have gained much more strength and are able to hold your heads up a little, but still don’t have full control and are still my two little beautiful bobble-heads.

- We started taking you out in public in the last couple of weeks. First we only took one of you out at a time while leaving the other with your Nonna because we simply didn’t have the confidence that we could handle both of you if you both freaked out in public at the same time. However in the last week we’ve been taking you both out together everywhere we go – grocery shopping, to the mall, etc.
- BabyB, we took you with us when we went to meet with a notary to have our wills done and to name a guardian for you both (in case we both pass away while you are still minors) and we ended up having to change your diaper on the notary’s fancy mahogany desk right in her office. It was a stressful yet funny moment and the notary was luckily very understanding.

- We took you both to a restaurant for the first time yesterday when your father took me out for a late breakfast to celebrate my birthday one day early.
- We took you both to your first Sunday mass at church last week and then to your Nonna’s for lunch for the first time.
- I read to you both for the first time. You both listened to my voice and watched the book attentively – even smiled from time to time. That was one of my favourite moments of the week.

There have been changes in your behaviour too. BabyF, you are often able to cry yourself to sleep. I discovered this accidentally one day while I was caring for both of you alone. I had my hands full with BabyB and BabyF started crying. I couldn’t stop feeding BabyB or she would start to cry. So my intention was to just let you cry, BabyF, until I could put BabyB down and pick you up. I was shocked when, after no more than five minutes you just stopped crying and fell fast asleep. I was so proud of you for being able to soothe yourself. BabyB, you also sometimes fall asleep on your own, but not if you’re crying. You usually fall asleep on your own only if you’re already calm – which is fine by me. Even your spurts of colic have become less intense and less lengthy. One thing that has remained constant is the difference in your temperaments. BabyB, you are pretty slow to get upset while BabyF is like a high performance sports car and can go from 0 to 60 (or in her case, from being perfectly quiet to full wailing) in the blink of an eye. And I have absolutely no complaints about any of it. You are both such good girls for your Mamma and I am so very proud of both of you.

I’m amazed at how much you’ve both grown and changed and are developing your big personalities in your little bodies. You are still the best and most challenging parts of my days… and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love you, my sweet little treasures.



Love,
Mamma

outnumbered

Every time I'm left alone with the twins I feel a small sense of panic. I've made progress, though, because it used to be a HUGE sense of panic. Luckily I'm not left alone with them very often - generally not more than once a day for no more than about an hour at a time and I always remind J on his way out to hurry back. There will soon come a day when I cannot ask J to hurry back. This is because he will be returning to work in about a month.

I've been very fortunate to have him home with me since the twins' births. We planned this very carefully and agreed he should be home as long as possible right after they were born. So he worked very hard and long hours throughout my pregnancy and he accumulated weeks of banked hours. He also held on to weeks of vacation time. In addition to that the government allows him to have time off for paternity leave. This means he will be home until early to mid January.

I am already panicking about his eventual return to work. I think about having to care for both babies by myself all day and all night and I am filled with panic. What if I'm not able to do it? What if they both want to feed at the same time? What if they both cry at the top of their lungs at the same time? How will I console them both? What if there's an emergency and I have to take them out - how will I get them both safely out to the car? It all seems impossible even though I know I will just have to find a way to make it work.

I think I should start practicing during the next few weeks by having J leave me alone with them for increasingly longer periods of time. Eeeks! Wish me luck!

Month One

Dear BabyF and BabyB,

A month ago today you came into my world and immediately changed me forever. The moment I heard your precious little cries as you announced your arrival my heart flooded and swelled with a kind of love I’ve never experienced before. Every moment of pain and discomfort throughout my pregnancy was completely worthwhile and became the furthest thing from my mind.

You were both kept in the nursery during that first night in the hospital because I was unable to move or care for you after the c-section delivery. Although I felt physically horrible, I felt emotionally fulfilled because I was now the mother of two precious little girls and I couldn’t wait to have you near me and in my care.

Within days your different personalities were evident, as were your different physical traits. BabyB, you seemed very relaxed and easy-going in the first days – content to sleep and nurse. From the very first day you were very vocal, humming appreciatively throughout your feedings and filling your diapers more often than I could count – even surprising us with your first poop explosion moments after we first arrived home from the hospital. BabyF, you not only resembled your Mamma in appearance but with your fiery temper as well. You very quickly let us know when you wanted something with your loud and beautiful cries and you just as quickly settled down when your needs were met. Your Daddy and I were so proud and happy and uncertain and emotional through it all.

During your fourth week, you both started to show signs of colic. From about 4:00pm until 9:00pm almost every evening at least one of you was inconsolable – sometimes both of you remained cranky and awake through that whole time. Daddy and I both questioned our abilities and we called on your Nonna to come to the rescue as often as she could. Three pairs of hands were much better than two pairs – especially when we were all so sleep deprived and I was still recovering from the surgery and hormonal imbalances that come postpartum. We were told that this was normal and the only thing that repeatedly got us through each evening was reminding each other that this was a temporary situation and that the colicky phase will pass by the time you’re three or four months old. I hope and pray that it doesn’t take that long and I beg each of you every evening to just go to sleep so that Daddy and I can get some rest and take better care of you. Every time I can’t console one of you, my heart breaks and I often end up crying right along with you. I promise I will keep trying to figure out what works, even through the tears and frustration and feelings of inadequacy.

In spite of the colic, this first month of your lives has been one filled with celebrations. I celebrate everything from poop-filled diapers to earth-shattering burps and sleepy smiles. Everything you do is a wonder to me and I have most often been found holding you in my arms and smiling upon your beautiful faces, cooing soft words of adoration and praise. I may not always know what to do or how to do it, but I do know that the love I feel for you reaches the furthest depths of me. I am fiercely protective of each of you. You have given me strength and happiness and purpose that I never knew would fulfill me so deeply. BabyF and BabyB, I now exist for you. Happy first month-iversary, my treasures.


Love,
Mamma

breast is best

Breast is best. That was the single most repeated phrase I heard from the moment I became pregnant to now. From the moment I registered at the hospital at about 12 weeks into the pregnancy until about two weeks after the twins were born I must have heard and read that phrase at hundreds of times from dozens of sources - ranging from nurses to friends who had successfully nursed their own babies, along with countless books and pamphlets.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed my babies before I even knew I was pregnant. My goal has always been to do my absolute best to exclusively breastfeed any children I might have for the first six months of their lives. All of the information indicates that breast is indeed best. It seems to be nutritionally superior, more convenient (no need for washing and sterilizing and carrying around bottles and formula), more economical (savings of up to $2000-$3000), and helps create a stronger bond between mother and child. I've also always thought that breastfeeding would be the most natural and easiest thing in the world. It turns out I was mistaken about that last part.

While recovering at the hospital (who am I kidding - hospitals are no place for recovery) I saw at least half a dozen nurses / lactation consultants who were there to help ensure my babies were latching on properly and breastfeeding was going well. Each nurse had a slightly different technique, repeatedly correcting the tips I put in place from the previous nurse's visit. Each nurse managed to make me feel, in my hormone overloaded post-partum state, that I was doing it all wrong. Feelings of failure and inadequacy were extremely high in those few days. I was a new mother caring for two babies while trying to recover from a painful surgery. I was clueless and felt helpless. Not a single nurse provided encouragement - only harsh and cold correction. My tears were running like a full-flowing tap.

During those first days at the hospital the twins would nurse on my breasts for a short while and then I would have to supplement with some formula in a tiny plastic measuring cup. Bottles with nipples were not allowed in the hospital for fear the infants would suffer from nipple confusion and end up refusing mother's breast in favour of the much easier bottle nipple. BabyB ended up losing more weight than was acceptable and I began to panic about how little she was getting from my breasts. There were threats about keeping us in the hospital longer if she didn't begin to regain some of that weight immediately. I began to increase the amount of formula I was using to supplement. We were released after 72 hours of their birth and much begging from both J and me.

After much frustration (for me and the girls) with maintaining that same feeding routine, my nipples cracked and bled, despite a good latch from both of them. Both BabyF and BabyB have wonderful appetites and BabyB sometimes liked to play a catch and release game with my nipples. She seemed to entertain herself by yanking her head back while suckling on a nipple until the nipple popped out of mouth and then violently lunging back on and chomping hard on the nipple again - repeatedly. BabyF also liked to chomp down hard. Sensitivity led to cracked nipples until the nipples looked like they'd been scraped against a cheese grater. The pain during their feedings had me in tears and I began to dread the approach of feeding time.

By the time they were two weeks old, I was incapable of handling the pain and had to remove BabyB from my breast at the beginning of a feeding session and feed her that entire meal with formula. I sobbed. I felt I had failed my daughters and wasn't providing what was best for them. Tremendous guilt washed over me and a dark cloud of sadness and worthlessness hung over me constantly. I was a horrible mother and a fool to think I could be a good mother.

I made my first difficult parenting decision. It was time to take a break from breastfeeding in order to allow my nipples to heal. I would continue pumping as often as possible and feed them my milk in a bottle while still supplementing with formula. I had a manual pump and ended up getting out a pitiful ounce per day. More tear-filled days and nights ensued. I went out and rented an electrical pump and started taking specific herbs to help increase my milk production. Within a day I went from pumping 20ml to 85ml. Within a few days after that I managed to pump 220ml in a full day. I spoke to friends with infants of their own who had been struggling with breastfeeding also and felt much better with their uplifting words and advice. Despite my sore nipples, I finally felt encouraged. This was still not enough to nourish them, but it was enough for one full feeding for both of them. I finally came to accept that this would be enough if it was the best I could do. The dark cloud lifted.

The healthcare community should take a long hard look at their approach. A new mother is often filled with insecurities with emotions running high. She doesn't need harsh criticism and strict rules. She needs encouragement and options. I've been very lucky to have the ability to accept my decision that goes against the very aggressive advice of every nurse and several well-meaning friends and family members. I am very fortunate and grateful to have the support of my husband, my mother, and of a few close friends. Without them, I would still be walking around with that dark cloud of guilt over me.

Happy mom = happy baby... and vice versa.

my little pacifists

Ten days old and BabyB is already promoting peace...
or is that her way of claiming victory over her momma's heart?

our precious little miracles

They're here and we couldn't be more thrilled!

Our precious twin girls were born on Tuesday, October 21, 2008 via c-section. The first to arrive was BabyF at 9:03pm, weighing 7lbs 1oz and measuring 21 inches. She's delicate but feisty and has darker hair and a smaller face than her younger sister. She was followed a minute later at 9:04pm by her baby sister BabyB, weighing 8lbs 5oz and measuring 22 inches. BabyB looks a lot more like her daddy, with her lighter hair and more rectangular face and she seems to have a more relaxed disposition than her older sister. Their personalities already seem so different and we adore them both more than we could have ever imagined.


I don't have much time for a more detailed update than that right now, but I promise to post more as soon as I can. The important thing is that we are all doing well and happy to be home. I can't thank everyone enough for the good wishes.

start pacing

I am officially freaking out.

I had two appointments last Friday - first was a meeting with the high risk specialist and an ultrasound, and second was a meeting with my regular ob-gyn.

My last ultrasound was three weeks prior. At that time, both babies were still in the breech position (head up, feet down - not good for vaginal delivery and they had been in this position for well over a month) and they weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and 7 lbs.

Due to their positions, my regular ob-gyn has been talking about the probability of a c-section for the longest time and I finally came to accept that a c-section it would be. I am totally fine with that - maybe even relieved. After all, a c-section sounds pretty easy. You show up at the scheduled time, they prep you, make a slit in your lower abdomen (just above the pubic mound) just big enough for a baby's head to come through, remove the placenta, stitch you up, hand you your baby for a moment, and then you suffer through a week or two of recovery and everything goes back to normal. Well, as normal as things can be with newborns around. There would be no mystery of when and how and how long. No waiting for water to break or contractions to hit full force. No breathing through agonizing pain while things loosen up and a baby descends. No pushing big babies out of a tiny hole... and yes, it's tiny.

Every health professional with whom I met said it would likely be too late for the babies to turn because there isn't much room with two of them in there. So, after my meeting with my ob-gyn a week ago, she decided to schedule a c-section for October 24 (38.5 weeks into the pregnancy). Having a firm date made me nervous and excited at the same time.

When I had my ultrasound last Friday morning, the technician and high risk specialist told me that both babies have turned. They are both now with their heads down and in position for birth. We were all very surprised that they managed to turn this late in the game. My first feeling was one of panic as I realized what this meant - vaginal delivery. They also measured the babies at the ultrasound to give us approximate current weights. The little one weighs 7 lbs 4 oz. The big one couldn't be measured because his/her head is too low in the pelvic cavity. Chances are pretty high that the big one weighs close to 9 lbs at this point. I felt more panic over the prospect of a vaginal delivery.

Later that same day we went to see my ob-gyn. We gave her the update from the ultrasound - both babies had turned and are in position, one is too low to measure, and they are healthy sizes. My doctor started talking about vaginal delivery and my eyes filled with tears. She said I could choose to have a c-section, but that there are less chances of complications with a vaginal delivery. I just listened. She reassured me that an anesthesiologist would be standing by and the operating room ready for an emergency c-section. She also reassured me that she would not take any unnecessary risks and that we would proceed with a c-section if there were any indications of complications at any time during labour. I trust my doctor and I trust her to know what is best. I will not ask for a c-section.

She examined me, as she always does every week. Things were a little different this time. Protein was detected in my urine and my blood pressure was higher than usual - both signs of preeclampsia. Suddenly we were talking about sending me to the hospital immediately and inducing labour. More panic set in. She listened for the babies' heartbeats and they both sounded fine. Then she did a quick exam to feel for the babies' positions. She said she could feel one of their heads. She also said I was not dilated or effaced, but that my cervix had softened. These babies were definitely getting ready to come out. She had me sit up to have my blood pressure checked in an upright position and it was normal - very surprising with all the panic I was feeling. She decided to hold off induction.

Assuming nothing happens in the meantime, the next step is for me to go to triage in obstetrics on Tuesday. They will examine me. If signs of preeclampsia are still there, then they'll induce labour. The doctor said I should be prepared to stay - that means bringing my packed hospital bag. If everything is back to normal, we'll stick with the October 24 date (Friday) and induce labour then... assuming the babies don't decide to come out sooner.

I am in panic city!

34.5 weeks update

Had an ultrasound yesterday and met with the high risk specialist. She didn't bother checking my cervix this time because she said that they won't try to stop me if I go into labour at this point. So I guess it could happen any day. Eeeks!

The kidney problem with the one baby has not changed. At the last ultrasound it had gotten bigger in proportion with the baby's growth, this time it didn't grow at all since last time while the baby did grow. So this is good.

They are both breech (and have been in this position for at least four weeks) and its unlikely that they'll turn - not enough room in there. So it will likely be a c-section and I'm surprisingly ok with that! It hasn't been scheduled yet, but it will definitely be before the 38.5 weeks mark.

As of yesterday their estimated weights were 5.6 lbs and 7.0 lbs while the average weight for a baby at 34 weeks according to baby.com is 4.75 lbs. That means I'm carrying around close to 13 lbs of baby! No wonder I'm so tired!

I'm a wimp

Dear hubby and I ran some errands today. Errands are tough on me. Walking or standing for lengthy periods of time leave me in some serious pain. "Lengthy periods" are currently defined as anything beyond about ten minutes. I used to be able to shop and run errands all day and only feel a little tired at the end of the day, now I can't even get through a shopping trip through Costco.

We went to a friend's house this morning and had breakfast with him. No biggie, right? After that we went to the mall, but we only entered one store and we didn't even have to go through the mall to get to the store. We spent no more than 20 minutes in the store and then headed back to the car. When I arrived at the car, I couldn't lift my leg to get in. So I sat my butt down and then tried to get my legs in while I turned my body. Within moments I was in tears and whining "I don't know how much longer I can do this". It was quite pathetic actually, and I am ashamed for being such a wimp.

You see, this pregnancy has brought with it a condition called SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction). Here is a brief description of the symptoms:

Pain in the pubic area and groin are the most common symptoms. You may also suffer from back pain in pregnancy, Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) or hip pain. It is common to feel a grinding or clicking in your pubic area and the pain may travel down the inside of the thighs or between your legs. The pain is usually made worse by separating your legs, walking, going up or down stairs or moving around in bed. It is often much worse at night and can stop you getting much sleep. Getting up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night can be especially painful.

The pain almost feels like enormous pressure from the inside. Stepping in and out of my clothes is quite the ordeal, as is trying to turn from one side to the other in bed. So aside from feeling excruciating pain in my pubic area and my hips, I am also very much sleep-deprived. It makes for very challenging days and frustrating nights... and it also makes for a very drained and emotional Anna. The pain kicked in sometime in the second trimester - I would say at least three months ago - and has been getting progressively worse.

Maybe I need a mantra or some constant reminder that this is almost over and my body will be my own again very soon.

Jack and Jill

As already mentioned, we don't know the genders of the babies. Not only that, but we also don't know if they are identical or fraternal. That means we might end up with two boys or two girls or one of each. Although they are in separate sacs, we've been told that the chances of them being identical are very slim, but the possibility still exists.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a total whackjob about being prepared in advance, am the queen of lists, and a total control freak. So how does one prepare for the unknown? I haven't figured that out yet, but I do have more lists than I ever have had for any other event in my life.

There's a to-do list.
There's a what-do-we-need-to-complete-the-nursery list.
There's a what-do-we-need-for-the-first-few-weeks-after-birth list.
There are three what-to-pack-for-hospital lists.
And, of course, there is the list of potential baby names.

Baby names - ah... why must this be everyone's business? I've lost track of how many people have asked me "Have you chosen names yet?" When I was foolish and naive, I actually shared some of the names we were considering with those who asked. I quickly learned that people are idiots who feel perfectly comfortable criticizing my choices. So I decided I would stop discussing any potential baby names with anyone and that they would all learn the babies' names after they're born. At that point, it would be completely inappropriate for someone to say anything negative about the chosen name because it would be too late to change it.

So, for those who are wondering about baby names all I can tell you is that I have certain criteria. The names must be easily pronounced in three languages - English (because their Daddy is an anglophone), French (because we live in Quebec) and Italian (because Mommy and her family are Italian). A perfect example of such a name is my very own - Anna. :)

Suggestions, of course, are always welcomed. However, I feel pretty confident that the names we've finally agreed upon are going to stick. And, let me tell you, it wasn't easy for us to agree on two girl names and two boy names.

let me introduce you to them

We don't know the genders of the babies because we don't want to know. So the hospital staff has decided to label them as Baby A and Baby B. I sometimes refer to them as Thing One and Thing Two or Little Monkeys or a bunch of other endearing terms, but nothing has really stuck. So they are Baby A and Baby B.


Baby A (aka The Little One):
- at the 30-week ultrasound weighed 3.75 lbs (average weight at that stage is 3.2 to 3.3 lbs)
- has always been positioned lower in my belly
- has always been closer to my left side
- is currently breech (feet down), but has changed position several times throughout the pregnancy
- I can feel this one's kicks very low in my abdomen - so low that it feels like a foot is going to pop out of my private parts


Baby B (aka The Big One or The Chubby One):
- at the 30-week ultrasound weighed 4.4 lbs (more than a full pound above average)
- has always been positioned much higher than The Little One
- has always been closer to my right side
- has been in a transverse position (sideways) with feet just above my belly button throughout almost the entire pregnancy
- this one moves a LOT and seems to get hiccups much more frequently than the Little One
- this one appears to only have one functioning kidney, but is being a real trooper and thriving wonderfully with just one kidney doing all the work


They both wiggle around a lot and the surface of my extended belly sometimes looks like "the wave" at a sporting event. I must say that feeling them kick and move is the most amazing feeling in the world. I think I'll miss that once they're out in the real world.

I'm definitely looking forward to meeting them - even though I feel like I won't know what to do with them once they arrive. I guess I'll just have to figure it out as we go along. I just hope these two will be patient while their Mamma tries to figure things out.

32 weeks and going strong

I'm just over 32 weeks pregnant with twins. Things have been going well - very well, in fact. I didn't develop gestational diabetes - there's always a high risk of that when pregnant with twins, both babies are growing very well and even measuring bigger than average, and I feel pretty darn good.

This has been a pretty good pregnancy aside from swelling, pain in my joints (particularly my wrists and hips), some spd (symphysis pubis dysfunction = severe pelvic pain) and some sinus congestion. Fatigue is a bit of an issue, but I've been told its just mother nature's way of preparing for sleepless nights once the babies arrive.

The biggest issue and scare has been and continues to be the health of the babies. One of the babies appears to have only one functioning kidney. So far we've been very lucky because overall kidney function has remained normal and there has been no need for medical intervention (i.e. in-utero surgery or delivering the babies early). We'll only really know how bad it is and what needs to be done after the babies are born. In the meantime, they are both thriving - kicking up a storm and letting me know they are happily playing in their mommy's belly.

Being 32 weeks pregnant means that there are 8 weeks to go to my official due date (November 3rd, 2008). However, my doctor repeatedly reminds me that she will not allow this pregnancy to go past 38.5 weeks, which would bring us to October 24, 2008. Although a full gestational period is 40 weeks, babies reach full-term and are fully developed by 37 weeks. So my goal is to try to keep these little monkeys inside and growing until at least 37 weeks, which would be October 14, 2008. That's less than five weeks away. Things are getting very exciting!