I know I'm not supposed to think this stuff and I'm certainly not supposed to admit to it, but it's the truth. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm in over my head. There have been days when I've thought (and even said aloud), "what was I thinking?" or "I can't do this" or "I want to run away from home".
I love my daughters more than I love anyone or anything else. I absolutely adore them. I'm grateful to have these precious children and I'm grateful that I've been granted my lifelong wish of becoming a mother. I wouldn't trade these babies for the world and cannot imagine my life without them.
Sometimes, though, that love doesn't seem like it's going to be enough to give me the strength or patience or energy I need to get through the day. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "I give up!" Sometimes I feel like I'm not nearly up to par when it comes to parenting twin babies.
I've been especially struggling with BabyB lately. She doesn't like to sleep. She rarely naps during the day. When she does nap, she has tiny snoozes that last about 15 minutes. She USED TO sleep through the night, but bedtime has been a huge struggle for quite some time and she's been waking at about 1:30am the past few nights. She fights off going to sleep. She is clearly tired, but she cries and gets upset when I try to put her to bed. I've tried different techniques and none have worked. I used to be able to put her to bed while still awake shortly after her last feeding and she would drift off to sleep peacefully. In the last month or so, that hasn't been possible. Her bedtime routine used to take about 30 minutes; now it takes well over an hour (sometimes closer to two). And when she wakes in the middle of the night, I have a difficult time getting her back to sleep. She falls asleep quite easily in my arms and will stay asleep while I hold her, but wakes up and cries when I put her down.
I cannot keep her in my arms all night - although I have considered it. I need sleep too. And I need to take care of her sister as well. Giving BabyB so much of my attention makes me feel like I'm being a bad mother to BabyF. I should be giving her my attention too - even if she isn't asking for it. I should be spending more time with her; playing with her and stimulating her development. BabyB's demands for attention make that impossible. So I feel like a horrible mother. I've even said aloud, "I could have ten babies if they were all like BabyF". Isn't that horrible?! I don't favour one baby over the other, but it sounds like I do.
I'm just drained - physically and emotionally. And this teething phase is making things more difficult than I imagined.